Crack Fic 2: The YaoiYuri Curse
by Erich Von Freidrichsburg
Summary: Sequel to Crack Fic1! A strange statue causes Naruto, Neji, and Ino to become GAY! No offense to Gay people. I support Gay rights.


Disclaimer: Ia On'tda wnoa Rutonaa, ndaa Ia vernea ellwa. Owna, noa ithwa heta howsa!

Pig Latin is fun. Writing Crack Fic's are even funner.

6:10 A.M.

It was a calm, peaceful day, the birds...alright, to tell the truth, it was a pretty f) $up morning for our heroes. They didn't get much sleep last night due to the horrible lightning storm. Naruto and Sakura were exhausted from the mission that ruined a perfectly good game of Spin the Bottle yesterday. Ino couldn't get to sleep. Gaara, for some inexplicable reason, was still crashing at the Haruno residence, and Neji didn't get any sleep, partially due to the fact that his, err, secret was let out the day before. Hinata was still passed out from yesterday (poor little girl), and for some reason Kakashi was talking to some dude in a large black overcoat.

Kakashi: So, it's a deal?

: Yes, of course it's a deal. Just as long as I get paid my full dues, of course.

Kakashi: Yes, you will get paid. Now, go, do as I hired you to do.

: Yes, of course...(walks through city gates, takes hood off to reveal long, blond hair, blue eyes, and a large pair of glasses)

In due time, Kakashi, in due time...

8:35 A.M.

Everyone got up at around 7:00 to get ready to meet at the Hyuga residence (which, if you don't know, is disturbingly huge).

After everyone came to the main room, they sat down and began to talk.

Sakura: So, how was everyones night?

Neji: Don't even ask.

Hinata: I slept fine, but you all might be disturbed by what I dreamed...(AN: You guys don't want to know. Trust me. It's worse then Sakura's dreams.)

Ino: I didn't get to bed until around 3:30.

Gaara: I love sleeping now that the demon is gone. But I still have insomnia issues...

Naruto: Snore...snore...(he fell asleep on the couch. Must not of gotten enough sleep last night)

And at that moment, there came a knock on the door. Neji went to answer it. And there he was, the man from 6:10 A.M., dressed as a salesman.

: Greetings, my good sir! How's your morning been?

Neji: Terrible. Now leave.

: No no no, sir! Not after you buy what I have to offer you! May I check out your house first?

Neji: sigh Alright, your lucky I'm to tired to put up an argument. What's your name anyway?

: My good sir, you may call me Rosopiero Mazimirian! Or Mazoroso for short.

After that brief exchange, he went inside. He stared around the room, and then opened his breifcase and put a strange statue on the table. It kind of looked like a Tiki, made of wood, about 10 inches tall and 6 inches wide. Carved on it were strange symbols and it wore a grass skirt.

Neji: What the hell is _that_?

Mazoroso: Why, it's a cursed statue, my boy! If you touch it, you will start being attracted to the same sex as you are!

Everyone: oo

Neji: Yeah, right!

Mazoroso: Okay, if you don't beleive it, touch it yourself! But be warned!

Neji: Alright then. (touch) See, nothing happened! It was all just a myth that you bought into...wait a second, Gaara?

Gaara: Yes.

Neji: Are you seeing anyone? Because, if you aren't...

Everyone: 00

Naruto: HAHAHA! NEJI'S GAY! HAHAHA!

Ino: Yeah, well you are about to join him! (touches Naruto with statue)

Naruto: GAAH! OH NO! I'M GAY NOW! AHHHHH! QUICK, TELL ME HOW TO REVERSE IT!

Mazoroso: Well, actually, there is no way to reverse it! But the affect will go away at the time of infection.

Naruto: WHICH IS!

Mazoroso: 8:45 tomorrow morning! See you then! (poofs away in a cloud of smoke)

Everyone: oo(crickits)

Mazoroso: (Still there. Looks around, runs out door)

Sakura: Well, that was strange...and Ino, what are you doing?

Ino: Why, I'm brushing your hair, my sweet Sakura!

Sakura: 00 Wait a second, you touched the statue, didn't you?

Ino: Yep! And it was the best decision I've ever made. I've just now realized how beautiful you are, your eyes, your hair...your body...

Sakura: Ooooooooooooooooooooookee-dokee, Ino. I think it's best if we all went out now!

Hinata: (thinking this entire time) _W-what? N-naruto-kun is GAY now? That means..._(faints)

Sakura: Well, anyone want to go to the mall?

Gaara: I'll go, just get this creep away from me...

Neji: Oh, don't be so brash, Gaara-Kun!

Gaara: Let's get the #&E out of here now, ok?

Sakura: Uh, yeah, heh-heh...(both she and Gaara run for the mall)

10:35 A.M.

(For the sake of this crack fic, Konoha has a mall.) After running around the mall for 2 hours incognito, they finally decided that it was safe for them to come out.

Sakura: Do you think we've lost them?

Gaara: Yes, I beleive so.

Sakura: Hey, look! There's your brother and sister!

Temari and Kankuro were enjoying a breif snack. Temari was wearing a white tee-shirt and a long, black skirt. Kankuro was wearing "gangsta'" clothes. Temari was having an Ice Cream Cone and Kankuro was eating Nachoes.

Temari: Hmm...I wondered where Gaara has gone? It's been a while since we've heard of him.

Kankuro: Don't worry, sis, he'll show up soon...why, speak of the devil! There he is!

Gaara: Hello brother, hello sister. How have you been?

Temari: Where have you been? We thought someone had kidnapped you!

Gaara: I just needed some...time off, from being Kazekage and all.

Kankuro: Well, that's still no excuse from running off! And...isn't that the Hyuga boy?

Gaara: Oh, dear God...

Neji: Oh, Gaaaaaaara-kuuuuuuuun! I and Ino have been looking everywhere for you!

Ino: Oh, Sakura-chan! I want to bring you hoooooooome so that I could make you haaaaappy!

Guy standing on box shouting: BRING ME MENTOS! YOU DARE DEFY ME THE MINTY ORGASM OF THE MENTO! I SHALL DESTROY YOU ALL WITH MY GIANT MOOSE FROM THE PLANET OF ALIEN CRACK BABIES!

Everyone: 0o

Ino: Well, anyway...Sakura-Chan! I want to go home! I've got the vaseline and everything!

Sakura: Come on, Gaara! Let's run for it! (bumps into Naruto)

Naruto: WAIT! Gaara, you can't leave! I'm better then that moron Neji!

Neji: I'm telling you, Gaara is MINE!

Naruto: No, he's MINE!

Neji: MINE!

Naruto: MINE!

Neji: MINE!

Naruto: MINE!

Guy standing on box shouting: MENTO!

Sakura: RUN!

And so they ran, leaving behind a slightly disturbed (and extremely confused) Kankuro and Temari.

Kankuro: Uh, what the &#$) just happened?

Temari: I...don't know. I really don't know...

12:59 P.M.

After running around for another 2 hours, Sakura and Gaara were hiding in Hot Topic when suddenely...

Tenten: Hi, guys!

Sakura: Tenten? I didn't know you worked at Hot Topic!

Tenten: Yeah, it's my weekend job! And, uh...why are you guys hiding behind the skirts?

Gaara: You don't want to know...

2:45 P.M.

Tenten: Ok, guys, this is getting ridiculous! You've been hiding behind there for two and a half hours! What are you guys hiding from?

Sakura: Ok, but it's a really long story...

So sakura told her everything...them at the (hugely Gigantic) Hyuga Complex, to Mezoroso, to the Tiki, them meeting Temari and Kankuro, the Mentos guy, and finaly them hiding behind the skirtsat Hot Topic.

Tenten: Ok...that...is the most disturbing story I've ever heard...

Then, suddenely, Neji bursted into the shop wearing bright yellow Bellbottoms and a tight, green shirt.

Neji: Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaraaa! Where are yooooooooooooouu?

Ino: Oh, Sakura my sweet! I'm in the mooooooooooooooooooooood! Let's go home noooooooow before I lose the feeeeeling!

Sakura: See, told you.

Tenten: Alright, I'll distract them while you go out the back entrance. Got it?

Sakura: Yes!

Tenten: Oh, hi Neji! Hi, Ino! What brings you here today!

Ino: Oh, nothing special, just looking for the loves of our lives.

Neji: You know, Gaara would look really good with that lipstick...

It was very disturbing for Tenten that the guy she likes is talking about another guy in that way.

Meanwhile...

Alien Commander: Alright, you snotbags! Get ready to open fire on the planet!

Aliens: RIGHT!

Bobobo: NOT SO FAST! For I am: BOBOBO!

Alien Commander: NO! NOT BOBOBO!

Bobobo: FIST OF THE NOSE HAIR!

BOOM!

And so the day is saved again, thanks to: THE WERPOA UFFPA IRLSGA! Bobobo, Don Patch, and Mentos guy!

Mentos Guy: I DEMAND MINTY ORGASM THIS INSTANT!

6:45 P.M.

Sakura and Gaaraare hiding at the Hokage's office.

Tsunade: Alright, so let me get this straight: this guy, "Mezoroso", you called him? Brought this cursed statue to the (still freakishly huge) Hyuga Complex, Neji, Naruto, and Ino touched it, and now Neji and Naruto are fighting over you, Gaara, and Ino is trying to "seduce" you, Sakura?

Sakura: Yes, Tsunade-Sannin. All of that happened today.

Tsunade: Well, personnaly, this sounds alot like a crappy story written by a complete loser who has horrible writing skills.

Gaara: Yeah, we've noticed that.

Mentos Guy: MENTOS! FIRE ON THE PORTSIDE! INTRUDER ALERT! INTRUDER ALERT! WHA-WHA-WHA, BO-BIP-BOO-BOP-BI-BOO-BI-BOO-BOP-BI-BO-BOOB-BI-BOP-BI-BOO!

And after that fabulous acting done by Louis du Lac de Richard IX(yes, THE Louis du Lac de Richard IX), Neji, Naruto, and Ino ran into the room.

NJ, NA, and INO: Were're coming, my precious!

Sakura and Gaara: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! RUN FOR THE HILLS!

Meanwhile...

Announcer: Tired of those damn grass stains on your clothes? Well, then here's some advice: STOP PLAYING IN THE $#()$ GRASS, YOU #$HEADS!

Silence

Announcer: Oh, sorry about that. Well, anyway, try this new product! HYDROCLEANER 10X! WARNING: Using HYDROCLEANER 10X may result in headache, diarhea, nausea, heartburn, blindness, loss of vision and hearing, death of the first born (Egyptians only), 40 years of wandering through the desert (Jews only), plague of locusts, darkness for 24 Hours (Roman Persecuters only), the apocalypse (Fundimentalist's only), and bad breath. Thank's for buying HYDROCLEANER 10X!

Looking for a good Romance story? Do you like cuddling and fluff, but nothing to explicit and mature? Then read _Romances of Kacey9tails_. They're good. Really. Trust me. I'm Jewish. My Cat's name is bonkers and I have a giant Ox hiding in my Colon. Bye now.

9:46 P.M.

Earlier that day, at the (amazingly big) Hyuga Complex, Hinata awoke from fainting (again) at around 10:15 A.M.. She got up, sat down in her room, and watched T.V. for a few hours. Afterwords, she went online for a few hours and chatted with her team mates.

After that, she went on one of her favorite games, Age of Empires III, and played with her friend Eriju online. He played as Ottoman, and she played as the Dutch. After a few games (2 Victorys, 1 defeat), she played Kingdom Hearts. And after that, she had dinner with her Father and Sister. And, at this moment, she is sitting at her desk when all of the sudden...

Sakura: (outside window) GANG-WAAAAAAY!

Gaara: What are we doing back here?

Sakura: To hide from Neji and Ino, of course!

Gaara: In his own HOME? Are you serious?

Sakura: Look, I'll just ask Hinata if we can hide in her closet, OK?

Gaara: You've got to be kidding me...

Sakura: (jumps into window) Hinata, you have to hide us, now!

Hinata: W-w-why?

Gaara: You know that strange statue from earlier?

Hinata: Uh, y-yes?

Gaara: Well, you see now, Naruto and Neji are chasing after me, and Ino is trying to get into Sakura's pants.

Hinata: 00 Uh, al-alright, y-you can hide in my closet. N-no one but me ever goes in there.

Sakura: Alright, thank's!

And, as they stepped into Hinata's closet, they gazed in wonder at it's size.

Sakura: Wow, Hinata! This closet has enough space to be an actual room!

Hinata: W-well, ok. There's a few sleeping bags and pillows in here, and there's about two boxes of Oreos on the upper shelves.

Sakura: Alright, Hinata! Thank's again!

Meanwhile...

Have you ever noticed that racecar spelled backwards is racecar? It's pretty interesting.

3:47 A.M.

After having a peaceful night's rest, Gaara got up and looked around his temporary shelter.

Gaara: _Hmm...what's this?_

It was a Violet Book with Indigo writing that read Diary on the front.

Gaara: _Her diary...hmm...looking back on that Author's Note, I wonder...(_open's book)

**Dear Diary,**

**last night I dreamed something wondrful! I dreamed that Naruto actually admitted feelings **

**for me! It was ****so wonderful!**

Gaara: _Blah, blah, blah...hmm, here's one from two nights ago:_

**Dear Diary,**

**I trained with my team today. Akamaru ate our lunch, so we all decided to go out to eat **

**something ourselves. ****And guess who I saw across the street? NARUTO! Ooo, I just love **

**him so much, and I wish that**

Gaara: _Damn, I thought I was going to see something terrible! Well, I'll just look at this morning's entry._

**Dear Diary,**

**I had a wonderful (but slightly disturbing) dream last night! Do you know what "bondage" **

**is? Well, basically,**

And Gaara's eyes widened in horror at what he read.

Gaara: _Good Lord, this girl is SICK! And she's so cute and innocent on the outside..._

And after that, he went back to sleep, not daring to get up again till Dawn.

7:23 A.M.

Sakura looked at the clock next to her.

Sakura: _7:23._ _Only an hour and 22 minutes to go._

And with that, she fell back asleep.

8:59 A.M.

It was a wild party that night, and everyone was sleeping wherever they fell last night. Naruto was asleep on top of the Spahouse, Neji was sleeping in the garage, Temari was in Eriju's room, Kankuro was asleep with the cat on his chest, Ino fell asleep in the office, and Tenten was surfing the web in Amanda's room.

Naruto: Ugh...what happened?

Neji: Where the &#$ am I?

Eriju: So, did you enjoy last night?

Tamari: Oh, last night was WONDERFIL, Eriju. I never fought your thing was so BIG.

Eriju: Yep, it sure is!

Of course, Temari is talking about his sword collection, not his, um, thing. And, no, she didn't sleep with me. She just stayed up all night and surfed the web.

Kankuro: ugh...good morning, little kitty.

Bonkers: Meow!

Ino: Wha...what happened yesterday? (looks at clock) Oh my God! I'm late for my job!

And with that she ran out of the buliding.

Neji: (walks into my sister's room) Tenten, time to go back.

Tenten: Alright, be there in a second.

Neji: (looks at screen) Uh, Tenten, what are you looking at?

Tenten: Oh, it's nothing. (walks out of room)

And on the screen:

Genre:Romance

Rating: M

Charecters: Neji and Tenten

Story: A night of sweet rememberance by Neji's Lover

Neji and Tenten have some alone time together in Neji's room. WARNING: NC-17

And after all of that chaos, we go back to the city gates, where Kakashi and Mozoroso are talking.

Kakashi: WHEW! Thank's for getting that statue off my hands! Some crazy Yaoi Fan sent it to me hoping that I would fall in love with Iruka...well, here's your money.

Mozoroso: AND.

Kakashi: sigh The latest issue of Icha Icha Paradise...

Mozoroso: Why, thank you! Well, I must be going now. Catch you on the flip side some time, Kakashi, some time.

Kakashi: Word.

And with that, our story ends. But, there are still several disturbing issues. Did Sakura and Gaara ever get out of the closet, orare they too petrafied with fear? How did Naruto, Neji, Temari, Tenten, Ino, and Kankuro end up at my place? Did I really get it on with Temari? (I sometimes dream I do...JUST KIDDING!) And, most of all: What did Hinata write in her diary that made the mighty Gaara flinch in terror? Well, those are all mysteries to be solved another time, in the place where normal things don't happen quite often.

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Romances of Kacey9tails: **Read** _or_ Die.

Comedys, Adventure, and Romances of Erich Freidrichsburg, the Crazy Jewboy.


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